The Grimm Truth

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away... Someone once told me, not long ago, that that was how all good stories began. True, I guess, since most of what we classify under "Fairy tales" begin like that. And I haven't heard better stories than those. Those childhood nights when we used to get tucked into bed and our parents used to read us stories from books that had larger pictures than paragraphs. Still vivid in my head. My dad used to tell the most wonderful tales that were passed down through the ages in the village that is our hometown. I used to make him tell me one particular story about "Chatapattaraaya" every single night. The way he narrated it ensured I never tired of it. I wish I could still ask him to do it sometimes. Maybe I will. Next time I go home. Just for old times' sake. It's all fine. They make great stories. Excellent material to put little children to sleep. Sooner or later, we outgrow the age and lose interest. But what if we decided to listen to them again? Like I said, just for old times' sake. Do you realise that we'd find them so incomplete? Now that our minds have been corrupted by education? Take, for example, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Now these guys, the midgets, are just guys with a hormonal disorder. But, if they were brothers, well, there must have been some heavy intermarriage among their ancestors to produce seven prodigy with the same physical deformity. Why doesn't the tale give an explanation? What about the poisoned apple? Quite obviously, the wicked queen used a really potent sleeping drug. Now, it'd be really cool if we knew which one. We could put it to good use among the teachers at college. And the magic mirror? The queen must have used CCTVs in every house in the kingdom and had a monitor connected to a wifi server. Easy. There goes the charm of the story. Okay, Snow White is sleeping deeply. Snoring, maybe. Spare a thought for all the princes who tried their luck before her true love came along. All the princes had to kiss her. I don't think the dwarves bathed her for all the months she lay slumbering. The princes must have gagged when they neared her. I don't think anyone thought to brush her teeth regularly. By the time Mr. Luckyguy got there, she must have been a bacterial haven. The tale doesn't tell us if he caught a cold immediately after kissing her. What about Cinderella? She must have had really weird feet if her slippers didn't fit anyone else. Maybe she had crow's feet (on her face). Pity, the story was set long, long ago. If it had happened recently, Cinderella could have sued her step-mom and her step-sisters for slavery and cruelty. And the ugly step-sisters would have won lifetime coupons at VLCC's. Did Cinderella get into trouble for plucking a pumpkin from the kitchen garden? If she managed to find mice in the house, it doesn't speak highly of her housekeeping skills. Don't even get me started on talking wolves! What's with them? I mean, it's really alright if pigs and wolves talk to each other. But wolves talking with humans?! And bears too! Bears eating at tables and eating porridge! Come on! Pappa bears and mamma bears never live together. Bears mate. Males go away. Females give birth, usually, while in hibernation, and then protect the cubs for a couple of years while teaching them how to fend for themselves. That's it! End of story. Goldielocks is one heck of a fibber. Little Red Riding Hood - what a name! It describes her clothes. It's not a friggin' name people! Unless... she was black. Maybe she was one of those rapper kinds that live on a steady diet of hip hop. Then, it makes sense. She was a Hood. And rode a lot. And wore red. No comments. But what bothers me is that she couldn't realise that it wasn't her grandma in bed. Come on, there's a limit to the amount of facial hair a grandmother can grow. What about the Frog-turned-into-a-prince guy? He must have known a really good plastic surgeon. A doctor like that can make millions if he moved to Hollywood. I'm sure Harrison Ford is keen on making another crappy Indiana Jones movie. He'll want to look convincing. Else, there's always Sylvester Stallone and the Rocky series. The thing that bothers me most is the ending. The prince and princess kiss. "And they lived happily ever after." That's it? They kiss and that keeps them happy for the rest of their lives? We know now there's more to this than meets the eye. What happened after the kiss? The End?